Feelings
by kimmikotakeda
Summary: A look into someone else's thoughts and feelings


This is something that popped into my head after having a really bad day, it'll probably be a one shot thing if no one reads it, I hope it's interesting.

_**Empty Shell**_

It was four thirty in the morning and I couldn't sleep. I just lie there on the couch staring at the cable box's clock, not thinking just staring. My eyes sweep the living room and the first dawn blue rays are coming through the blinds. A feeling of stiff numbness passes over my body as I readjust my position. I stretch and yawn as if I just woke up, but rather that I was tired. The drowsiness tingles down my being as I stand and yet again stretch so that my stiff body could move properly. The first step that I take rewards me with a loud cracking noise, and a flinch. Sluggishly walking I make my way to my mother to wake her so that her busy day could start. As for me I lay back on the couch and give into the exhaustion that I felt.

- Four and a half hours later -

I awake to the sound of my brother talking at the front door while watching for his school bus. I scan the room to see the bright yellow sunrays that are dancing along the floor and walls. I attempt to run a hand through my hair and find that it is very tangled and knotted. My reacting grunt causes my mother to scold me because at that time she is frustrated with something else. My whole mood shifts and I become furious. The vein on my right temple pops and I know that as she looks at me she sees my father. I know that she wants to speak her mind and tell me the one thing that I never wanted to hear. One clicking noise later she utters those words, that I need to go live with my mother in law, that she hates me being around her, in her home. Tears bite at my eyes although I let the anger out to stop myself from crying. I just yell, let the frustration in control and tune myself out. I ignore my own words not wanting to give up, not wanting to not be heard. She yells back more hurtful words and I give in, I stomp away and go into the basement. The basement a place that I use to fear as a child now has become my haven. The one place I can go to escape. I think about blankness, about nothing. The attempt to not think fails me, my eyes yet again tearing. I sit Indian style on the cold cement floor and think. My inner eye sees how fun it was to be in a home of my own, my far away apartment. I left it to help my sister in law but I only ended up leaving under silly circumstances. Things that were not true, lies, lies made me hurt. The flood gate opened and I cried silently in that cold, lonely basement. The thoughts going through my head all mournful. I saw when I first met my fiancé and how exciting it was to flirt and see him. Then I saw how I lived with his parents and him, how much closer we got, how we were the others world. Then the news of me being pregnant, so exhilarating and joyous. Then the anger, the hate, the blackness swirled into view. I saw how my mother in law spoke cruel words to me. Words that I heard for years from my peers, she told me she bought me men's clothes because she couldn't find any in women's my size. She told me that I came off too strong and that people didn't like me. I relived how she looked at my son for the first time at the hospital and said; well he doesn't seem to have your eyes that's good, he might not be blind or impaired. My heart sank deeper yet as I also saw my sister in laws scold me, tell me that I wasn't deserving of a child, that I was selfish. So many feelings went through due to all those memories and more. My brain paused in its assault on my heart and I breathed. Slowly I realized that I loved my family, my son and my fiancé a long time ago. I realized that I had given up on happiness, love or compassion altogether. I could feel the inside of my body reseed into itself, feel as my heart seemed to delete emotions. I felt the stone cold hollowness of a empty shell… I knew then that I desired not people, not closure but the smell of my blood dripping from my body. I longed for attention once, but now all I sought was the black darkness of death. I imagined myself falling to the ground as the last drops of blood left my body and I was consumed by the Reaper. That thought brought a smile to my face a genuine smile.


End file.
